Hillarious Court Cases
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
--------------------------------------

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
--------------------------------------

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
--------------------------------------

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
--------------------------------------

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
--------------------------------------

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
--------------------------------------

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
--------------------------------------

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up! Also?
--------------------------------------

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
--------------------------------------

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
-------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
--------------------------------------

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
--------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Describing pain!! ;)

Describing The Pain

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"

Fatherly Advice
Fatherly Advice



George H. W. Bush and George W. Bush were having a little father-son chat the other day.


George H.W. Bush said to George W. Bush: "Son, you're making the same mistake in Iraq that I made with your mother."


"What was that, dad?" asked George W. Bush.


To which George H.W. Bush replied: "I didn't pull out in time."

Misleading Information

Misleading Information

This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits patiently in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room this time asking for a screwdriver.
The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer.
At that, the husband, in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the surgeon and asks, ''Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?''
"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my damn bag open."


Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

1 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!

4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!

5 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

6 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

7 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

9 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of 'em

10 What do you mean "You want a divorce?"

Dont mess with the wife! or you will be.....
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles
per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks
across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married
for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of
it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the
house," he says insistently..

Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit
cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This
makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him
and smiles .....

Types Of FART s - Real Funny

ALL AbouT F-A-R-T

A fart can be quiet,

A fart can be loud,

Some leave a powerful,

Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,

Or a fart can be long,

Some farts have been known

To sound like a song.....

A fart can create

A most curious medley,

A fart can be harmless,

Or silent , and deadly.

A fart might not smell,

While others are vile,

A fart may pass quickly,

Or linger a while......

A fart can occur

In a number of places,

And leave everyone there,

With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,

To small elevators,



A fart will find all of

Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,

Is simply not true-




We must not forget...

Sweet old farts like you!

False Teeth

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he
arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had
forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled
out a pair of false teeth."Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of
false teeth...try these."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave
his address.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man
who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your
office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the *local undertaker*. "

Simple Logical Maths
Teacher to a student,



" a = b, b = c, so a = c ......"
now tell me an example,
just like this........

student replied,


" i love you,
you love your daughter,
so i love your daughter..."

Draculas competion - Very FunnY
*Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see
which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored
to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will
be the winner.*

*So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full
of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" *

*The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in
and sucked the blood of all the family". *

*"Very good" said Dracula. *

*The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in
blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?"*

*The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I
went in and drunk the blood of all the children". *

*"Impressive" said Dracula. *

*Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered
in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. *

*"How on earth did you do that?" he asked. *

*And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" *

*Dracula replies with a yes.*

*And the bat says "Well, I didn't".*

Touching Love Story!!!....................HA ....HA... HA....
There was a mosquito and a dog who loved each other a lot???..


One day the mosquito got excited and gave a love bite to the dog??..


The dog became emotional and bit the mosquito??.


The next day?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.


Mosquito died of rabies and dog died of malaria?? ?..



What a touching story? ??..!!!!! !

Dog and God

Dog and God

1. On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

2. On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

3. On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

4. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

5. On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

6. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

7. On the seventh day, God tried to rest…….but he had to walk the dog.

Why I Fired My Secretary!!
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling

Too hot that morning anyway.



I went to breakfast knowing my wife

Would be pleasant and say ?Happy Birthday ,?



>And would probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say ?Good Morning ,? Let alone any ?Happy Birthday.?



>I thought, ?Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember .?

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.



>When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet , said,



>?Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.?

So I felt a little better; someone had remembered.



>I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said,

?You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday,



>let's go to lunch, just you and me.? I said, ?By George,

that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.?



>We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go;

We went out into the country to a little private place.



>We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said,



>?You know, it's such a beautiful day.

We don't need to go back to the office, do we??



>I said, ?No, I guess not.? She said, ?Let's go to my apartment.?

After arriving at her apartment she said, ? Boss, if you don't mind,



>I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. ?

?Sure,? I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and,



>In about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake,

Followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.


All were singing ? Happy Birthday? And there on the couch I sat... Naked.

A disappointed salesman...
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, " Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."

THE CURE . . .
THE CURE . . .


Cliff had, had it.
Finally, worried to death, he went to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think
there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to
me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears. "How
much will that cost me?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Jerry.

Six months later the doctor met Cliff on the street. "Why didn't you ever
come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well.... Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot
of money! I found a bartender who cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And How, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"

Out of Gas...
Out of Gas

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that
moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of gas."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes
later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and
into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?


Scroll down

The bee answered, "BP."

Think b4 lying to ur teacher!!
One night 4 MBA students were boozing till late night and didn't study

For the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as
dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.

they then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a
wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and
they
had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition
to appear for the test.

then dean was a just person so he said that you can have the retest
after 3 days.

they said they will be ready by that time. on the third day

they appeared before the dean. the dean said that this was a special
condition test.

All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They
all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test
consisted of 2 questions with total of 100 marks.

Q.1. Write down your name -----(2 marks)

Q.2. Which tyre burst -------(98 marks)!!

"Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!"
A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that
since he was graduating from high school,he would really like to get
a car. His father said,"Son,come here." He took him to the barn and
pointed to the tractor and said,"This tractor is needed for the farm
and I promise,as soon as it's paid for,we'll get you a car". The boy
was not too happy,but was understanding. A week later,his second son
approached him wanting a motorcycle. "Well",the father said,"as soon
as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter."
Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike. Again,the
father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off
first.

While leaving the barn,the young boy, a little disgusted with his
father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it's rooster duty
with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster
off the hen's back,mumbling to himself. His dad asked,"Son,now why
would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve
that."

The third son replied, "Hey, nobody around here rides anything until
that tractor gets paid off!"


Sacrifice of a Father
The pregnant ready to deliver wife was tossing in the bed with excruciating pain and had to be held in bed with the force of four nurses. The doctor approached the depressed whimpering husband having running tears, who was allowed to watch the process in the delivery room. Doctor asked, We have this new Electronic Wireless Pain Energy transfer machine which will take your wife's crucifying delivery pain away from her and transfer to a very athletic wrestle's body of Dad like yours. Husband consented alongside wife's signature and process began.

The wife gradually started loosing the pain, delivery began and a healthy baby was born. The doctor was checking with husband, Are you OK? Should I give you Vitamins, Orange Juice, Milk glucose water, anything? Not having any desired to eat on this occasion, the husband kept saying , I don't feel anything Doctor, I am strong. I am glad you are transferring pain to me, and it is not my wife.

The Doctor released the couple in a short time since delivery was painless and without complications. The dancing couple came home with the baby. But, they were horrified to see the bloodied, broken skull and bones, having distorted private parts Mailman dead on the porch. Husband asked the wife, Why the hell did he do this to himself....

27th Letter Of English AlphaBet
Which is the 27th letter of english alphabet??
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


Are You Looking 4 an answer??



Very Good

Which School??

Stateforms
OK here are a few business/government terms made easy,I hope it increases your understanding of todays, technical and complex society.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and then you all share the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.

MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government does nothing.

EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that, it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like .... these two cows, man. You have got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Brain transplant
The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
A few actually smirked.
But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."