Hillarious Court Cases
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
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Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
--------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
--------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up! Also?
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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
--------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
-------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
--------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
--------------------------------------
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
--------------------------------------
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
--------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
--------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
--------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
--------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up! Also?
--------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
--------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
-------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
--------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
--------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Describing pain!! ;)
Describing The Pain
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
Fatherly Advice
Fatherly Advice
George H. W. Bush and George W. Bush were having a little father-son chat the other day.
George H.W. Bush said to George W. Bush: "Son, you're making the same mistake in Iraq that I made with your mother."
"What was that, dad?" asked George W. Bush.
To which George H.W. Bush replied: "I didn't pull out in time."
Fatherly Advice
George H. W. Bush and George W. Bush were having a little father-son chat the other day.
George H.W. Bush said to George W. Bush: "Son, you're making the same mistake in Iraq that I made with your mother."
"What was that, dad?" asked George W. Bush.
To which George H.W. Bush replied: "I didn't pull out in time."
Misleading Information
This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits patiently in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room this time asking for a screwdriver.
The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer.
At that, the husband, in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the surgeon and asks, ''Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?''
"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my damn bag open."
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery
Dont mess with the wife! or you will be.....
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles
per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks
across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married
for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 65 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of
it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the
house," he says insistently..
Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit
cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This
makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him
and smiles .....
This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits patiently in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room this time asking for a screwdriver.
The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer.
At that, the husband, in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the surgeon and asks, ''Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?''
"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my damn bag open."
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery
1 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!
4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!
5 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
6 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
7 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
9 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of 'em
10 What do you mean "You want a divorce?"
2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!
4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!
5 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
6 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
7 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
9 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of 'em
10 What do you mean "You want a divorce?"
Dont mess with the wife! or you will be.....
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles
per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks
across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married
for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 65 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of
it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the
house," he says insistently..
Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit
cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This
makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him
and smiles .....
ALL AbouT F-A-R-T
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.....
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must not forget...
Sweet old farts like you!
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.....
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must not forget...
Sweet old farts like you!
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